6 Little Books, 3 Little Words
by Misaki Rika
Summary: "Usami Akihiko stared at the shorter man in front of him in frustrated bewilderment. His large hands clenching and unclenching. They'd been bickering on and off for days now, to the point where Akihiko didn't even know what they were fighting about anymore. ...Akihiko was at a breaking point. Did this man really want to be with him? What were they even doing?" ONE-SHOT


Re-uploaded to remove some errors. Please excuse my poor self-editing! Enjoy!

 **6 Little Books, 3 Little Words**

Usami Akihiko stared at the shorter man in front of him in frustrated bewilderment. His large hands clenching and unclenching. They'd been bickering on and off for days now, to the point where Akihiko didn't even know what they were fighting about anymore. He had only wanted a bit of affection. It had been a long two weeks of deadlines and meetings and he finally had a break; he just wanted to get a little attention, a little bit of care. The younger man's green eyes were snapping with anger and he was posed to either run away or throw a punch. His much smaller hands were balled into fists, held out in front of him like a shield to keep a monster at bay.

Akihiko felt the fury building in his throat, fury he was using to mask the pain of what felt like constant rejection, constant rebuff, constant denial. His silver hair hid his deep violet eyes as he ground his jaw. He had tried to be patient, to understand where his much younger lover was coming from. He understood the shyness and embarrassment at first when everything was new and different and strange. But it has been four years for God's sake! Four years! Four years without moving forward, with no change in his behavior. Four years with none of the shyness abating, with none of the resistance disappearing. Four years and hearing an "I love you" still had to be torn from his lips. Akihiko was at a breaking point. Did this man really want to be with him? What was this? What were they even doing?

'I can't! I just can't anymore!' His large eyes shut tightly and he grimaced in pain. 'I've been fooling myself, he doesn't…he doesn't want…' He let the anger overwhelm the gut wrenching pain. He registered a voice yelling at him but couldn't make out the words. His ears were buzzing. Anger and hurt were mixing together, searing his insides, suffocating him. The white noise in his head was getting louder and louder. His large hands moved to cover his ears, trying anything to block it out. It was too much.

"Shut up!" His harsh, almost bestial growl shocked the other man into silence. "What are we even doing, Misaki?" He was yelling, he hated yelling, he hated losing his temper but he couldn't stop. "What is this to you, huh? I've tried! I've tried so fucking hard to understand you! I've tried not to be insecure, to just know what your feelings are without needing to hear them but I just can't anymore!" He could see the shocked hurt in Misaki's eyes, he knew he was hurting Misaki but he couldn't be silent. "You don't act like you want to be here with me! You always fight me! Every touch, every kiss is a fight with you! I don't want to have to fight all the time! I don't want to have doubts about where I stand with you constantly! I don't feel like you want to be with me! I don't feel like you actually love me!" Akihiko's throat was raw, unused to raising its voice, his breaths were coming in gasps.

He stared at Misaki, waiting. The younger man was clutching at his chest, his head bowed. The silence stretched until, "You fucking, stupid _asshole_!" Green eyes burned with rage and he released a growl of his own. "I don't love you? Is that what you're actually trying to say?! I… I can't…!" Words escaped Misaki in his anger. His squeezed himself tighter, his nails cutting into his arms. He let out an exasperated half scream, half grunt and stomped over towards the bookshelf that was long ago designated for him, shoving his lover out of the way as he passed. Akihiko watched, eyes wide as Misaki ripped several notebooks from the self and hurled them one by one at Akihiko's feet. "We've had this stupid conversation! You know I'm not good at expressing myself verbally! I've tried! I've tried so hard to _show_ you how much I care!" He squawked in anger and frustration, spinning around and grabbing his jacket in one motion. "I'm going out! And before you work yourself into a tizzy again, I'll be back in 2 hours! That should give even a dense idiot like you plenty of time to read those!" He jabbed his finger at the books on the floor then marched to the door, slamming it behind him.

Akihiko's eyes were as large as saucers as he stared towards the front door. He blinked a few times and shook off the daze at Misaki's abrupt departure. He then turned his attention to the books strewn at his feet. His anger was still there and part of him want to ignore them out of spite but curiosity got the better of him eventually and he knelt down, gathering all the books to him. Looking at the covers he saw that each one was numbered. He sat heavily and grabbed the first one. It was definitely the most beat up of the notebooks, crumpled and torn in places. Opening it to the first page, Akihiko read.

" _I've apparently been moody and disagreeable so the therapist my school is making me see recommended I write in this… Brother insists I try. It's already stupid."_

Akihiko grunted in surprise. He looked at the top of the page for a date, did some quick mental math, and grunted again. Misaki was 13 when he wrote this. This, these books were his journals…? The rest of the first page, along with the about half of the book was filled with doodles and fragments of song lyrics. Akihiko couldn't help but smile a little as he recognized the songs; he had caught Misaki singing these on more than one occasion. Thumbing through the pages he finally came to another with an actual entry, dated about 6 months later.

 _"I'm causing so much trouble but I can't stop! My friends are worried, my teachers are worried, my brother is worried… I just can't pull myself out of this!"_

The words were written so harshly they ripped through the paper in some places.

 _"I don't know what to do. I just can't get rid of the guilt! I killed my brother's future! I killed any possibility of his happiness! All he does is work himself to death because of me! I don't deserve it! I'm horrible, selfish, stupid, useless, worthless! Everything is my fault! It's my fault they're dead! It's my fault our parents are dead! I've ruined everything and there's no one I can't talk to! Everyone says the same thing – it's not my fault. If it isn't then why can't I sleep? Why can't I eat? Why does it feel like I'm being eaten alive?"_

There were places where the ink had run, places where tears had fallen heavily, where the words couldn't be deciphered. Violet eyes tried in vain to make out the sentences but couldn't until he got to the end of the page.

" _I just want to die. Can't I please just die?"_

"Oh Misaki…" Tears welled up in Akihiko's eyes as he flipped through the rest of the journal; it was all blank. Big hands closed the book and clutched it to him. "My poor Misaki…" He hadn't known it used to be this bad. How could he not have known…? He stared at the book for another couple minutes before putting it aside and reached for the second one.

This one and the next were filled with more typical teenaged entries – poorly written poetry, school gossip, complaints about teachers – spanning over a couple years. Dotted throughout were determined sounding passages stating Misaki's hope of making his brother proud, resolve to make up for robbing Takahiro of his future by having an even better one. Akihiko couldn't tell if he was imagining undertones of despair or if teenaged Misaki actually wove sadness even when the words sounded hopeful on the surface. His parents were never mentioned, even on the two entries made on anniversaries of their deaths. A hand roughly shoved silver hair out of his face as the other reached for the fourth book. Misaki was 18 when he wrote in this one, only a few weeks before they had met.

 _"It's been a while but I'm going to give this whole journaling thing a shot again. I have such a hard time talking to anyone, even my brother. I can never seem to say how I feel, it always comes out wrong or stupid or both. I feel like such an idiot whenever I try. At least if I'm an idiot here, no one will know but me._

 _I've been working hard prepping for exams but my grades still aren't great. I don't think there's any way I'm getting into college, which means I'm a complete failure. Not only did I destroy my family, my brother's life, now I can't make up for it. There's no way for me to make anything better. I don't know what to do. Brother has this girlfriend, he's been with her for a while and I think he wants to marry her. Maybe after than happens I'll just disappear. Brother would be much happier if he didn't have to worry about me anymore…"_

Akihiko flipped to the next passage and read the next several entries.

" _My brother got one of his friends to tutor me. He tall, good-looking I guess, but also an arrogant jerk. He's some big shot writer I guess. He acts like he knows everything, probably because he actually knows everything or at least that's how it seems…_

 _He touched me in a way two men should never touch… I know I should be angry and I know I should probably hate him. I mean it was a violation, right? I just can't… I guess I can't see it that way. It felt_ good _and I'll only admit that here! But it did, I liked it a lot. I know it isn't right, I mean we're men. It's not something we should be doing but part of me hopes it happens again…"_

 _"My grades have improved like crazy! Usagi-san is amazing! I may actually make it into university! I can't believe it! Maybe I'm not so useless after all, with his help."_

 _"Brother is going to be transferred and I'm going to be living with Usagi-san. I feel a bit conflicted. Part of me is excited about living with him but I'm also so nervous. What if… what if he realizes that I'm not actually anything special? Worse! What if he realizes that I'm poison? I'm afraid that I'll infect him and ruin his future like I did to my brother…"_

 _"He loves me. Usagi-san said he loves me. When he said that I thought my heart would burst. I don't know what's going on me…"_

 _"We've been having sex. It's been incredible, I didn't know I could ever feel that way. But it's wrong, isn't it? I'm supposed to marry a woman and have children, right? Mom always said she couldn't wait to see children with my green eyes. Am I shaming their memory by doing this?"_

Akihiko tore through this book and the next, eyes darting across page after page. The vast majority of the passages were about him. Anger when he was jealous of those around Misaki, frustration when he worked too much and didn't eat or sleep properly, embarrassment when he spoke of their sex lives, affection when they had quiet moments together…

 _"I think I'm in love. I'm completely and utterly in love. He's a jealous, arrogant, smug bastard but he's also generous and strong and kind and gentle and I can't help it. What do I do? I want to be with him, I want to be with Usagi-san, Akihiko, but my brother…our parents? I bring shame to them, don't I? My brother has worked so hard so that I could have a normal life? Am I spitting in his face? Will he hate me? I don't know what to do!"_

Akihiko stared at the words at the bottom of the last page. Joy and sorrow mixing together at Misaki's words. Misaki loves him but… Has that been the problem all this time? Misaki thought he was shaming his parents' memory, shaming his brother? "How can I have been to blind? No, I didn't want to see it…" His own shame filled Akihiko. No wonder everything was such a struggle when Misaki has been at war with himself. He reached for the last book.

It began with more of the same; entries about Usagi-san and his feelings about the silver haired man. They made Akihiko smile and crushed his chest with happiness. These were all the things in his Misaki's heart, words that Misaki can't say out loud. Love, tenderness, affection, even some guilt at never being able to express these things to his lover, guilt because he knew that his rejections and rebuffs pained his Usagi-san. There was the odd passage that reiterated Misaki's worries concerning his family but as time went on they became fewer and father between. Akihiko continued speed reading through the book until a sentence at the top of a page dated two months ago made him freeze.

" _I told brother about Usagi-san and me."_

He could feel his heart begin to pound. Misaki…. Misaki told Takahiro?!

 _"Brother wasn't even that shocked. He told me that he had suspected for a while and figured I would tell him when I was ready. He wasn't disgusted by me, he wasn't ashamed. He was actually happy! He was happy for us! I couldn't believe it! He congratulated me, told me Usagi-san was a good man and that he was happy his best friend and his brother had found happiness together!_

 _I shared my fears about mom and dad, about my fear that I was spitting on their memory, that they would hate who I am but he surprised me and brushed it off completely. He said that they would want me happy. That's all they ever wanted. I felt like a huge weight I didn't know I had been lugging around drop off my shoulders. They want me happy and I am. I could burst with my happiness! I love and am loved by the most infuriatingly wonderful man in the world! And now, we can now finally be together openly! I can barely breathe I'm so happy…"_

Tears ran down Akihiko's face, his own joy making it hard for him to breathe. "Misaki… Misaki…" he chanted over and over again softly. He had taken this step, he had finally done it. But why hadn't he shared Takahiro's response? Violet continues to scan the journal, hoping for answers. The last passage was dated a week ago.

 _"I've done it! It's all planned! I can't wait! Usagi-san is going to be so surprised! It will more than make up for me kind of avoiding him this week and next. I'm just such a bad liar that he would figure it out and he can't! It can't be ruined! Plus, if he's annoyed with me there's less risk of him doing it first! I have everyone in on it! I know he'll jump at the chance to take me on a date if I suggest it and everyone will be waiting there to celebrate! This proposal will be perfect!"_

Akihiko dropped the book in shock. Pro…proposal? Misaki is going to….?

Warm arms wrapped around him and a hand holding a small blue box appeared in front of his eyes. "You ruined the surprised, idiot…" a voice softly, affectionately whispered in his ear. Akihiko couldn't move for a moment, shocked into stillness. Misaki's warmth was surrounding him. "Usagi-san…?" the tentative question spurred Akihiko into action. He twisted in the arms around him and returned the embrace, crushing his lover to him. Their lips crashed together in a frenzied kiss.

They pulled away with a gasp and touched their foreheads together. "So…" Misaki raised his head to look at his Usagi-san and smiled. "Can I take that to be a 'yes'?"

"Misaki…" He was lost for words, completely lost for words. Happiness, pure bliss was filling him, making his brain fuzzy and slow. His whole body was warm, hot, as this searing joy burned through him. "Yes," he whispered. "Yes." More loudly. "Yes, yes YES!" They kissed again, laughing.

"Good!" Misaki giggled out. "That means you get this now!" He took the simple white gold ring out of its box and grabbed his Usagi-san's hand, slipping it onto his wedding finger. The younger man sighed with relief when it fit perfectly. It looked so good there.

"Misaki… how? Why…?"

"You weren't entirely wrong, with what you said earlier. I know that it has been a struggle, I know that I have made this difficult for you, for us. I should have told you that I was confused and having difficulties. I should have been clearer about how I feel about you. I didn't tell you I made my brother aware of our relationship because I wanted to surprise you with this. I wanted to be the romantic one for once. I wanted to make you feel loved and treasured and desired. I wanted you to be flustered and shocked and lost for words." Misaki put his hand to Akihiko's cheek and smiled at him. "I'm sorry I've avoided and hurt you. I'm sorry if I messed it up."

"No, Misaki." Akihiko's voice cracked with emotion. "No, it's perfect. You're perfect."

"I love you, Usagi-san."

"I love you, too."

"Well come one then, Usagi-san!" Misaki stood and pulled Akihiko to his feet. "Everyone is waiting to see my fiancé! It's time to celebrate!"

"Yes, it is…" Large, cool hands framed Misaki's face and lips kissed him long and slow. His body tingled with sudden desire as he wrapped his smaller hands around his lover's, his fiancé's, neck and met his passion equally. He couldn't stop the soft groan from escaping his lips as he fisted his hands into the silver hair, getting lost in the sensations.

They were a bit late to the party…

Well there it is! I hope you liked it! I know it is unusual to have Misaki take such a lead but in my mind, he had now completely accepted himself and his relationship with Usagi-san. I think he carried a lot of shame and worries into their relationship and I think that once he lets go of that he would be more willing to take the lead. I also think Misaki would enjoy frazzling Usagi-san instead of the other way around for once 😉

Thank you for reading! Please review!


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